Katherine Arnold Wolf Updates

It was such an amazing day. This is the picture Jay took on his cell phone and texted to a few friends and family yesterday morning. I started my birthday with Banana Pancakes made by Chef Jay. They were delicious. Our dear friends, Anna and Andy, gave me the gorgeous bouquet of flowers that you can see in this picture. They have sat in the center of our table ever since, signifying my special day.

My dear friend, Mia, dropped by on my birthday morning and brought me a South African treat, Bobotie, which she had at a party I went to last year (I couldn’t eat it there and was so bummed). My mother-in-law is here now and took us all to the Stride Rite and treated us to two cute pairs of shoes for James (truly a gift to his mother for many reasons!) We had ‘In and Out’ for lunch which is potentially my favorite place in the world.

For dinner, Jay had made dinner reservations at Mozza (this fancy LA place created by Mario Batali), but instead I asked to stay in Culver City. We cancelled those plans and went to Fraiche (a fabulous French/Mediterrean eatery) right here. It was so good. Saving money while enjoying life is my theme song, so we dined at the Happy Hour and got the best prices on delicious food. I loved it! We went to Akasha (yet another fabulous CC restaurant, literally just at the end of our block) for dessert and coffee. It was wonderful day. It was a panic-attack free day. It was a day to look at my life and practice contentment. It was a magnificent day. What a difference a year makes.

Midday, we got the snail mail and there were so many cards and letters from many of you. Y’all are just the sweetest! I treasured each one, and just do not deserve so much love from strangers. And gifts? Just too much! I feel unworthy. I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I just recently (while moving in) went through all the Christmas Cards from this past year. I was reminded afresh that people throughout our country (and around the world), are checking in on me and sending me love and well wishes. That fact is not lost on me. I am proof that significant support is a profound thing and can lead to recovery. Profound. Thank you.

Yes, this birthday was different. That could be very sad. I have sad moments (read my entry on Feb 2nd if you need proof), but overwhelmingly, I feel blessed. Blessed to celebrate and embrace this next year that I get to be alive. God brought me into this world 28 years ago, and I’m so glad He has allowed me to stay here for a while longer. Again, it is not lost on me that my life was spared for a reason.

My sweet friend Hillary calls this idea of celebrating life no matter the hardships “capturing the moment”. Hillary and I had our babies just four days apart. She had cute little Katie on James’ due date. (They are still dating – they’ve been together over 2 years now and have even endured a long distance relationship while he was living in Pomona.) We delivered at the same hospital with the same doctor. We were destined to be friends, we have multiple mutual friends and now we are neighbors!!!—We live about 5 minutes from each other (truly a rarity in these parts.)

After six weeks of unplanned hospital bed-rest with her third little one (last summer), she had her precious baby boy. He was born five weeks early and has been diagnosed with “agenesis of the corpus callosum” (born without the part of the brain that connects the right and left lobes). Their family has been through a lot recently, but like me, she’s determined to not let those little mundane moments slip by. –The ones that distract you from whatever it was that you were on your way to do. With 3 kids under the age of 5 at home and one of them being a child with Special Needs, she is capturing each moment. Check out her blog: http://capturingmotherhood.blogspot.com I love that idea. That’s how I want to live.

I share the above picture with you to capture that moment. My face may be paralyzed and I can’t smile for the camera, but that does not mean we didn’t capture it. Jay even broke out the video camera. I’ll post it when I can… or maybe I won’t. Some moments are just for us, because they are so special.

March 8th is my day. There will be no panic attack on my birthday this year.  If you have been reading for awhile, then you know that last year I had a panic attack and really fell apart.  I could not handle the combination of life going by and me living this way (not eating, in a wheelchair, etc.)  It was just too much. 

This year, I feel good.  I feel content. I feel grateful for all the bad things that  are not.  I’m grateful for defying every prognosis I have been given. I’m grateful for many, many things. 

I’m grateful for the best birthday present I could ever get: this new house.   It is such a blessing.  A birthday blessing.  My life is good no matter the situation.   God is good no matter the situation. 

So, Happy Birthday to me!  It’s gonna be a great year. 

“See, I am making all things new.” – Rev.21:5

I am confirmed for another eye surgery in a few weeks, on this day. I will again have surgery with Dr. Velez, at UCLA’s Jules Stein Eye Institute, to try and move my right eye back to the middle and create singular vision. To hopefully reach the goal of getting my eyes back in line, this time, he will be operating not only on my “bad” eye—the right—but also on my “good” eye—the left one. Essentially, the bad one is so messed up, that it’s very hard to fully bring it back to its right place, so instead, they will get it as close as possible, then take my good eye to meet it. There are certainly a few concerns and some risks in doing anything to my good eye (which has 20/20 vision and is totally normal), but it seems to be the right choice to hopefully correct my vision as a whole.

Also, there is a chance that even if my eyes will appear to look normal after this surgery, because of my brain injury, I may not ever be able to just see one image—in other words, I could possibly always have some form of double vision. At this point, it could go either way, so please pray that another miracle could occur and that after this surgery, my brain will remember how to fuse the two images into one.

I believe in the power of prayer! It is the reason I am alive today. There is no doubt about that. Watch this news story (shot at a prayer meeting in Montgomery) about Prayer. This was shot at 1st Baptist (not on a Sunday) when we were home for Christmas.

Link: MontgomeryFBC.org.

Many national news media and TV Personalities whose names you would know have contacted us. Several want to do stories on the Power of Prayer and the role it had in saving my life. Really cool. I will keep you posted on how and when we move forward.

Lastly, I am currently awaiting Blue Shield to approve me to start a home-based therapy program called “Rehab Without Walls”. The insurance process has been a huge blessing in many ways, but an incredibly frustrating part of this equation too (that’s a whole different prayer request!). This particular rehab company, “Rehab Without Walls”, was brought to our attention completely by the Lord, so we feel it will be a really important next step in my recovery. Please join me in praying that I will be approved and begin this very soon.

Love, Katherine

P>S. Did any of you see that Athens, Ga was featured on a Real Estate segment of the “Today” show yesterday? I was so proud!

(I’m sorry these keep getting longer. I guess I have a lot to say within all these lessons…)

Disruptions in the Natural Order Stink

I always thought that parents having to bury their children was particularly devastating. Now, in a way, I am getting to see why that is. It’s so unnatural. Take a good look at this picture. It is really sweet, but it is really sad, too. This is not how things should be. My Dad should no longer be having to push his grown daughter around, like he once did when I was in the stroller. Yes, I think it signifies that we can make it work. Our little train is a solution to getting around, and it shows how we are surviving this hardship, by making things work, but it’s still really sad. In the video Alex Wolf made for the ‘Katherine Lived’ Party, there is some footage of my mom pushing me across the street from UCLA for one of my first visits outside of the hospital with James riding on the tray of my wheelchair. It makes me cry. This sweet 2 year old should not have learn to say words like “Mama’s Wheelchair” and “Mama’s Cane”. Yet I know the disruption of the natural order of things in my life has created a deeper level of empathy in my family and friends for other people whose lives have fallen outside the natural order. I hope that when James gets older his heart will be particularly compassionate toward people who look different or have wheelchairs like mama’s.

There are Still Issues Here

Just like my saddlebags, cellulite, and muffin top that all came back, so did my issues. Well, neither one ever left I guess, they were just on hold while I almost died. Like anyone does, I have issues in my life. I’m not a perfect person and like every other human I know, I am a complicated, with my own special idiosyncrasies on top of interesting family dynamics, which I do not always handle well. There are physical issues, emotional ones, and spiritual ones. They are all hard. Having a medical crisis did not automatically fix everyone or everything in my life. It didn’t fix me. Perhaps I (and those around me) have a little more perspective than we used to, but nonetheless, things can still be hard. There are still broken relationships, poor communication, and complicated interactions. Those (sadly) stayed. In the end, love and grace cover over a multitude of sins. I guess it’s some good fodder for the counseling I’m getting!

Calories In and Out Determine Body Weight

Over the months following my injury, I lost over 30 pounds. I was eating a diet of 1800 calories a day through a tube in my stomach. It’s pretty funny (and kind of scary) that I lost all that weight on 1800 calories! How many calories was my body used to eating? Though losing over 30 pounds might be some women’s dream, at 5’10”, it was too much. I have joked that it was a great post-baby diet, but the truth is that it was disgusting. My bones showed through my clothes, and I looked emaciated. I lost all that weight while on a fixed diet and through working out a ton in rehab. Thankfully, through a concerted effort of eating lots of treats in the past year, I have regained most of the 30 pounds. The challenge is to not gain back too much more! When it boils down to it, your amount of input (FOOD) and output (EXERCISE) determines your body weight. Period. In our childhood, when my sisters and I used to scarf cookies in Manda’s pantry, she would lovingly say, “Calories, calories…” Still true.

Baby Steps Forward are still steps Forward

Quite literally when re-learning to walk, it’s all the little steps that matter. (I do not recommend re-learning to walk at 27 – it is atrocious!) When I practice walking without a cane, Jay tells me that he thinks I look like a little baby taking her first tiny steps. (He thinks that is a very good indication that like a baby, my brain will develop that natural skill of walking one day too.) On the larger scale of my recovery, each little step forward is progress. It’s the whole “you can’t eat an elephant in one bite” thing. You have to crawl BEFORE you can walk. I can (finally) crawl after almost 2 years without that ability. WOOHOO! I choose to celebrate every little progression – no matter how small it may be. Focusing on the mini-miracles along the way help to keep a positive perspective during the often long stretches between the big miracles.

Hydration can Prevent Panic Attacks

I had never had a panic attack in my life. I didn’t even know what a true one was. I had a bad one on my birthday last year. I think it came from knowing it was my birthday and that signifying the passage of time. I also saw the pictures from James’ first haircut the day before. The fact I could not be a part of that haircut (his 1st one) just sent me over the edge. I was sobbing and my hands and feet went totally numb. I was irrational and inconsolable. It was rough. My friend Lauren told me that hydration can be the key to preventing these things. It made sense because I was not getting the normal hydration I would have because of the feeding tube. Now, when I wake up in the night feeling funny, Jay gets some water and I do some deep breathing. I share this sort of random tip because many of you who shared with me that you have had dealt with panic attacks. Drink some water if you feel one coming on!

Miracles Still Happen

At my most recent appointment, Dr. Gonzales told me that still being alive was a miracle, as well as my recovery. He spoke about the miraculous nature of my healing and how different it is than so many other cases he sees. I transposed what he said at Christmas and posted it on here with our Christmas Card. Here is what I think about miracles…My AVM was the largest my doctor had ever seen, in the worst possible location, and with the worst possible blood drainage. The massive pressure was pushing my brain down into my spine which made my case particularly terrible. CT scans and testing done in the emergency room revealed that I was on the verge of death any minute. A medical student told Dr. Gonzales that Jay was in law school which meant he should not fool with me – I was going to die anyway and he needed to think about the liability of a dead girl. Despite all these factors, he couldn’t get me out of his mind and he decided to operate. Miraculously, I lived through surgery! I was so struck by what the anesthesiologist said when I had my eye surgery last August. He had been there the night of my life-saving brain surgery (he and a team of doctors had transfused over 5 times my full blood volume). His voice trembled as he looked at me and said, “you’re a miracle”.

More to come…

I found a picture of my Manda! It was already online (WHICH MAKES IT A LOT EASIER) and it has my 2 seestas in it. I wanted you to see my cute grandmother in Georgia who so many of you called on V-Day!

We are still crazy busy settling in and doing all the random stuff associated with a move. We have had so much help from so many friends and businesses. I am going to write a posting about Houck Construction, but for now, here is the link to support this wonderful company (www.houckinc.com). If you are in the LA area and need any home renovations, repainting, home maintenance, etc. then call them. They are so good!

I have put a shorter version of the Pomona 1st Baptist video on YouTube so that you can pass the link on to your friends. I am sad to not have the sweet Billy Irvin at the beginning, but I’m happy to have a shorter version to pass around. I emailed a few friends and family about this and let them know that I am embracing the reality of how my face looks and how my voice sounds. I think letting people watch this means my situation can again be used for greater good. Link – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k00BFb-yPK8

Love to all! As always, thanks for praying for me!

I cannot begin to say enough thank yous! My grandmother felt so special. She even got several more calls Monday, Tuesday, and today. You all are just amazing. Thank you, thank you, and thank you! Her phone rang all day on Valentine’s. She is a wonderful conversationalist and if you did talk to her, I’m sure you enjoyed it. She is also a true Southern Belle. When James has a dirty diaper, she says, ‘I think James needs his panties changed.’ Seriously. It’s so cute. She is adorable and you all made her feel anything but isolated on Valentine’s Day. She felt whatever the word is for the opposite of lonely. Surrounded, encircled with love, supported? She felt all those and more.

I have a great family. No doubt there. My Father is an incredible man. He just got off the board of Athens Academy (the school I went to from K4-12th grade) after 15 years and his hard work will never be forgotten there. At Honor’s Day my senior year of high school, I received the Robert F. Marion award. Mr. Marion passed away earlier this yer and recipients of the award were asked to write letters to the Marion Family. Here is the letter I wrote that was given to them at the Board retreat a few weekends ago that was the end of my father’s 15 years of service:

Dear Marion Family,

In an entirely a new way, I see the importance of receiving the Robert F. Marion award and feel so blessed to have been a recipient. I had a massive stroke in April of 2008, and I almost died. I was on life-support for 40 days, before pulling out of the darkest waters. I am still fighting many major deficits, and I have just recently been able to walk again. I know Mr. Marion was a fighter as well and never let his blindness keep him from doing many wonderful things in his lifetime.

Serving Athens Academy was something he did very well, and I cannot think of a more worthy endeavor. I love the Academy and consider it to be such an amazing place. It molded and shaped me in countless ways. I attended K-4 through 12th grade there. His selfless devotion to many worthy endeavors is a characteristic I would like emulate in my own life. As Chairman of the Annual Fund, he was preparing the way for the future. As my own father is doing now, he invested in something that he would not benefit from, but so many others would. To me, that is the embodiment of Selfless Devotion.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that the spirit that Mr. Marion embodied lives on in all that he touched and in the hearts of all who are recipients of the award.

Fondly,
Katherine Arnold Wolf, Class of 2000

I cannot write to you about my Grandmother or Dad without saying something about my Mom. She is doing a wonderful job caring for us here. James loves his Mimi so much! As you can imagine, this season of moving in to the house has been extremely difficult for me, and Mom (and Dad and my sisters) have made it easier for me.

Love to you all this post-Valentine’s week! (I will write another posting about my Valentine’s Day and my wonderful Valentine.)

Love,
Katherine

1 Peter 5:10

My 82 year old grandmother is all alone on Valentine’s Day. My Dad and Mom are both out here with all of us and Manda is in the snow in Athens with icy roads and freezing temperatures all by herself. Her Valentine, my grandfather Papa, passed away 6 years ago. I want as many of you as possible to call her today. The call can take under one minute, just tell her who you are and where you are calling from. From Montgomery to Milwaukee or San Jose to Sandy Springs, she will be delighted to hear from you! Tell her Happy V-day or that you are checking in on her or whatever you want to tell her. Maybe mention what an adorable great-grandson she has or how strong and brave her granddaughter is. (Haha). PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do this. I would love for her to have to change her phone number because of this outpouring of love. If you live in Athens, you can easily look up her phone number in the phone book: Amanda Thompson. If not, email me at jayandkatherinewolf@gmail.com and I will give you her number (or email my personal email if you have it). I’m not going to put her number online, but please email me so you can call her. The fact that it is long distance is no excuse because cell phones are free on the weekends.

Thank you so much!

P.S. I know my grandmother is not the only one alone this V-Day. I know there are many of you out there who are too. I am so sorry. As you have so faithfully prayed for me throughout my ordeal, I will pray for you today.

For a little update on me: I took a pretty bad fall last week and I have a hurt foot. Please pray the pain subsides soon!

We are officially residents of Culver City! WOOHOO!

Because of any weirdos out there, I will not post pictures of our house or describe it in any detail, but we are officially living here now and it is wonderful. We got the PO Box to prevent putting our home address on the internet, so it would be particularly pointless to put up pictures of the outside. I will put up a picture or two of the inside though, so you can see the peaceful, calming, light blue (my favorite color) thing we are creating. It’s perfect for us. Without being too descriptive, I’ll just say it is a painted a cheery color that I love with an adorable fence around it!

~~A side note about weirdos – there are plenty of them out there. Be careful bloggers! Check out my friend Erika’s blog – read about ‘Courtneygate’ (Part 1 | 2) to see what recently happened to her. Be smart and protect yourself.

Anyway, yesterday morning Jay got James out of his crib and put him into bed with us. It was so sweet to all three snuggle together. It was our first morning in the house. It was symbolic. We’re ok. As Jay wrote a long time ago, we are battered, but not broken. With this new house, we are starting a new chapter of life.

Moving has been harder on me than I could have imagined. So many emotions have been stirred up in me. I am actually grateful for those feelings, because I probably would never have written the posting that I did last Tuesday. I don’t think I would have ever shared that video or told the story about what happened on July 13th either. I feel transparency in suffering is a very good thing, and I am not naturally that way. I think moving has been really tough on me because it makes me have so many questions about what I will be able to do one day. Will I ever …? – Those are constant. As one friend texted me, I will one day wish that I could not help with a move, unpack a box or paint a room. So true.

My injury does not define me. I define it. Much more important than being able to walk unassisted or to carry things around is my ability to communicate my feelings. Even though I can only use my left hand to type and I see two computer screens as I write this, my ability to express myself is still completely intact. While my physical voice may be weakened, my actual voice is being heard loud and clear through my words. I can think, write and share on here and other places and that is more important than any move or anything of a physical nature anyway.

It’s been like Christmas unpacking boxes! Because Jay had to pack up our home without me while I was in the hospital, it’s like getting all new stuff with every box that is opened. I love it! I will not even remember something that we have just the perfect place for now. It is really fun. I am so very blessed.

More to come as we keep moving …

Katherine

1 Peter 5:10

I can’t tell you how much it means to have received so much encouragement from you all since my last posting. After sharing some of my current sadnesses, I have been completely bombarded with love! Thank you for all the comments on the websites, emails, calls, texts etc. While this is a rough road, I am not alone and that makes all the difference.

I think moving has been hard on me and stirred up a lot of emotions – everything I can’t do. There are sad moments, but I’m really ok. If I can never pick up James while standing on my own, maybe I can pick up a grandchild one day. If not, perhaps the gates of Heaven will be lined with precious babies for me to carry. What a beautiful thought.

I posted as one of the lessons I’m learning that ‘There is a time to cry and a time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it’. She-Ra is putting those on!

Love to you all,

Katherine

1 Peter 5:10

(Sorry this got so long, I guess I had a lot to get off my chest)

My ordeal is sad. There are really hard moments. Hard and depressing and heartbreaking and just rough. Really rough. I could tell you story after story that would make you cry. It’s been sad. You can imagine.

Relearning to walk has been one of those things. I have taken serious falls while under the care of many of the people that love me most in the world. One fall landed me in the Emergency Room at 3am. I was fine, but I hit my head and we don’t take chances after the AVM. Moving is sad, too. I am naturally a ‘helper’. I would love to pack boxes, help paint, or carry loads. My Mom and Dad and Jay have worked so hard. I can do almost nothing but watch. Really sad.

July 13th of this past year (I don’t know why I remember that date) was a sad day. It was a rare moment where James was taking a nap in his crib and I was resting in our bed (next door to his nursery) after a long day of therapy. The doors were open between the rooms. Natalie and Jay were at the front of our house, but within ear’s reach if I needed anything. James woke up from his nap and said ‘Mama’ totally clearly and for the very 1st time. He wanted his Mama to get him out of his crib, but his Mama can’t walk. Sad. I fought back sobs and said as chipper as I could sound, “James, Mama can’t come get you right now. Mama loves you so much though.” I dissolved into sobs. How could this have happened? What kind of mother can’t get her baby out of bed? I contemplated purposefully falling to the ground (Jay would have freaked out) and crawling into his room. Even then though, I still could not have gotten him out of the crib. Luckily, Jay walked back shortly after that and got James out. Ugh – it was so terrible and I will remember it until the day I die.

We shot the following video at Pomona 1st Baptist last summer and it was shown at 1st Baptist Montgomery a while back. I did not post it on here because it was just too painful for me. Too sad. Subtitles? Do I really look that way? Ugh. My face, my voice- everything is just so sad. I guess in my pride, I don’t want people to know what bad shape I’m in. Well, time to get over that! This is the reality. This is my reality. Here’s the video:

I really try to be brave and not cry at the drop of a hat. Last Friday, I was invited to a playdate. Because I cannot drive, Jay had to drive us there. He had to meet with some painters at the house at the same time, so I was over an hour late to the playdate. I choked up on the ride over that we were so late, we couldn’t drive ourselves, that my life was so different now and that we were putting such a burden on Jay. Sad.

Surprisingly, I have not cried a lot throughout this entire thing. I guess it’s the whole ‘when the going gets tough, the tough get going’ thing. I am naturally a very emotional, sensitive person and I cry easily. I think I feel life very deeply and so I naturally respond with tears (Jay assures me this is not the only way to emote. Men don’t normally bust into a sob at every turn).

Strangely, I do not cry very much these days at all. A few weeks ago at Small Group, however, I lost it bad. We were going around sharing prayer requests and I started sobbing. I told them to pray for me because I feel like my life is on hold, in slow-motion. Yes, I was alive and had recovered quite a bit, but I am still pretty bad off. Similar to my frozen face, my life feels frozen, too. Even though I’m OK, I still cannot function on my own. James may have to go to daycare (which I have no problem with if the mother works, but I’m not working). I can’t balance, walk, read, write, eat, live normally, I cried.

Here is what my friend Lauren emailed out about the prayer request that Jay and I shared, “Continued prayers for Katherine’s healing. Still severely impaired. Prayer for complete healing. Most annoying thing right now is that right hand won’t work well. Specific prayers for the hand. To have that working again would be so nice. Learning a lot about control right now (and the lack of it). Prayer for all the upcoming surgeries. Waiting for the completion of the miracle.

Upcoming move into the Culver City house. A little overwhelming.

Emotional scars still remain. Jay feels like the fact that they’ve been in the public eye has probably been a good thing — to realize that people are watching them. But of course there is pain and stress and tension, and it wears on their relationship. Prayers for their marriage. Prayers also for all the balls they have in the air and how they’ll all land — job, finances, health, relationships, etc.” Yes, there is still much prayer needed.

I cope with the sadness the only way I know how. I pray and ask others to pray. I simply don’t know anything else to do. Don’t think I’m some super-spiritual person or have incredible, super-human faith. I’m just in a really bad situation and need HOPE. Lots of Hope. I am ‘Keeping the Faith’. I heard recently that FAITH is an acronym for, Forsaking All I Trust Him. And I do. I trust Him. I don’t understand all this. I don’t pretend to, but I trust that there is a reason – that there are many reasons– for this season of my life. I don’t know much, but I know He is good even when things are bad. And somehow, that’s enough.