Katherine Arnold Wolf Updates

I can’t tell you how much it means to have received so much encouragement from you all since my last posting. After sharing some of my current sadnesses, I have been completely bombarded with love! Thank you for all the comments on the websites, emails, calls, texts etc. While this is a rough road, I am not alone and that makes all the difference.

I think moving has been hard on me and stirred up a lot of emotions – everything I can’t do. There are sad moments, but I’m really ok. If I can never pick up James while standing on my own, maybe I can pick up a grandchild one day. If not, perhaps the gates of Heaven will be lined with precious babies for me to carry. What a beautiful thought.

I posted as one of the lessons I’m learning that ‘There is a time to cry and a time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it’. She-Ra is putting those on!

Love to you all,

Katherine

1 Peter 5:10

(Sorry this got so long, I guess I had a lot to get off my chest)

My ordeal is sad. There are really hard moments. Hard and depressing and heartbreaking and just rough. Really rough. I could tell you story after story that would make you cry. It’s been sad. You can imagine.

Relearning to walk has been one of those things. I have taken serious falls while under the care of many of the people that love me most in the world. One fall landed me in the Emergency Room at 3am. I was fine, but I hit my head and we don’t take chances after the AVM. Moving is sad, too. I am naturally a ‘helper’. I would love to pack boxes, help paint, or carry loads. My Mom and Dad and Jay have worked so hard. I can do almost nothing but watch. Really sad.

July 13th of this past year (I don’t know why I remember that date) was a sad day. It was a rare moment where James was taking a nap in his crib and I was resting in our bed (next door to his nursery) after a long day of therapy. The doors were open between the rooms. Natalie and Jay were at the front of our house, but within ear’s reach if I needed anything. James woke up from his nap and said ‘Mama’ totally clearly and for the very 1st time. He wanted his Mama to get him out of his crib, but his Mama can’t walk. Sad. I fought back sobs and said as chipper as I could sound, “James, Mama can’t come get you right now. Mama loves you so much though.” I dissolved into sobs. How could this have happened? What kind of mother can’t get her baby out of bed? I contemplated purposefully falling to the ground (Jay would have freaked out) and crawling into his room. Even then though, I still could not have gotten him out of the crib. Luckily, Jay walked back shortly after that and got James out. Ugh – it was so terrible and I will remember it until the day I die.

We shot the following video at Pomona 1st Baptist last summer and it was shown at 1st Baptist Montgomery a while back. I did not post it on here because it was just too painful for me. Too sad. Subtitles? Do I really look that way? Ugh. My face, my voice- everything is just so sad. I guess in my pride, I don’t want people to know what bad shape I’m in. Well, time to get over that! This is the reality. This is my reality. Here’s the video:

I really try to be brave and not cry at the drop of a hat. Last Friday, I was invited to a playdate. Because I cannot drive, Jay had to drive us there. He had to meet with some painters at the house at the same time, so I was over an hour late to the playdate. I choked up on the ride over that we were so late, we couldn’t drive ourselves, that my life was so different now and that we were putting such a burden on Jay. Sad.

Surprisingly, I have not cried a lot throughout this entire thing. I guess it’s the whole ‘when the going gets tough, the tough get going’ thing. I am naturally a very emotional, sensitive person and I cry easily. I think I feel life very deeply and so I naturally respond with tears (Jay assures me this is not the only way to emote. Men don’t normally bust into a sob at every turn).

Strangely, I do not cry very much these days at all. A few weeks ago at Small Group, however, I lost it bad. We were going around sharing prayer requests and I started sobbing. I told them to pray for me because I feel like my life is on hold, in slow-motion. Yes, I was alive and had recovered quite a bit, but I am still pretty bad off. Similar to my frozen face, my life feels frozen, too. Even though I’m OK, I still cannot function on my own. James may have to go to daycare (which I have no problem with if the mother works, but I’m not working). I can’t balance, walk, read, write, eat, live normally, I cried.

Here is what my friend Lauren emailed out about the prayer request that Jay and I shared, “Continued prayers for Katherine’s healing. Still severely impaired. Prayer for complete healing. Most annoying thing right now is that right hand won’t work well. Specific prayers for the hand. To have that working again would be so nice. Learning a lot about control right now (and the lack of it). Prayer for all the upcoming surgeries. Waiting for the completion of the miracle.

Upcoming move into the Culver City house. A little overwhelming.

Emotional scars still remain. Jay feels like the fact that they’ve been in the public eye has probably been a good thing — to realize that people are watching them. But of course there is pain and stress and tension, and it wears on their relationship. Prayers for their marriage. Prayers also for all the balls they have in the air and how they’ll all land — job, finances, health, relationships, etc.” Yes, there is still much prayer needed.

I cope with the sadness the only way I know how. I pray and ask others to pray. I simply don’t know anything else to do. Don’t think I’m some super-spiritual person or have incredible, super-human faith. I’m just in a really bad situation and need HOPE. Lots of Hope. I am ‘Keeping the Faith’. I heard recently that FAITH is an acronym for, Forsaking All I Trust Him. And I do. I trust Him. I don’t understand all this. I don’t pretend to, but I trust that there is a reason – that there are many reasons– for this season of my life. I don’t know much, but I know He is good even when things are bad. And somehow, that’s enough.

The move is happening, slowly, but surely. We are transitioning there tomorrow after a crazy weekend of moving all of mom and dad’s place and unloading our POD, as well as a number of other gruesome activities. Moving homes stinks! Perhaps there is more to a ’move’ than just the physical kind. My injury has moved my heart. I have been moved to places I thought I would never have to go. Maybe that’s what a move of any sort is really all about. Dear family friend’s ours, The Abneys, recently wrote, “ ‘We’ve moved’ has more meanings than one! And, you, Jay, James and your families have moved in so many ways in the past two years. And, you’ve helped all of us who’ve traveled the journey with you to move in many areas of our lives…especially expecting wonderful things from the Lord, supporting others in critical times, praying and trusting. Thanks for allowing us to ‘move’ with you. We continue to do so. Enjoy your new home! The Abneys”. They posted that last week on my CaringBridge guestbook. Yes, perhaps others are being moved by my journey. That is the redemption of my suffering. Somehow, that makes this all more bearable.

There are a few things about my tragedy that really make me cry. One of those is seeing footage of our old apartment. Before he moved us out of Pepperdine (while I was in ICU still), Jay had the good sense to videotape our little home, as a way for me to tell it goodbye. As I have watched that, I cry really hard. I have come to realize that my emotion has nothing to do with chic furniture or a great decorating job (haha) nor is it even the sadness of not living in Malibu by the beach! Rather, it has everything to do with the memories inside of that place. It was our first home as a couple; we brought our baby James home to that place. As I watch that video, I think of all the meals we ate at our table, all the times James and I did ‘Mommy and Me’ Yoga on the floor, all the friends that sat on our coach and laughed with us, and all the times I made my Dark Chocolate Cookies in that kitchen. All the memories. I think there is such a deep, emotional connection to one’s home. Fundamentally, we all want somewhere to belong, somewhere safe, somewhere our own. This week, we will have that home again, after being without one for quite a while.

The house is just so adorable – it even has a cute little fence around it! I am in love with it. For a better mental image, if you have ever read the book Matilda (or seen the movie), then you will understand this: I feel like we get to live in the same house Miss Honey would have lived in! WOOHOO!!! It is such a special thing to know that we are going home.

Blessings to you in however you are being moved,

Katherine

“After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace…will restore you!” 1 Peter 5:10

For a little medical update: I had a long (over 2 and a half hour) appointment with my eye doctor on Friday. (I am one of the more complicated cases he has ever seen.) I will probably have another eye surgery within the next month, and it will hopefully restore singular vision. There are certain risks and possible greater hardships that could occur with this surgery—not unlike all my other surgeries, I guess. I will keep you posted with more details about it soon. As always, thank you for praying for me as I deal with so many medical issues.

We are getting ready for the big move this weekend to our new house in Culver City! I think I have written before about our dear friends the Millers who live 2 blocks over from the house. Lauren was at the ICU with me for every day (all 40) that I was in there. Among my first memories are of her face. Don can calm and play with James for hours. They have a special bond. Don and Lauren host our couples Small Group Bible Study. The Millers are true friends to us. Guess what? They just had a baby girl last Sunday! A little neighborhood playmate for James. Woohoo! Lauren is a brilliant writer (also a fabulous attorney who went to Yale undergrad and Berkley Law School) and is writing a novel while having a new baby at home. Can you imagine? Read details on her blog throughout this process. Today is actually the first day she is writing, so check on her status.

Speaking of childbirth, there is something very important about the art of visualizing (I’ll write another posting on another day about that. Suffice it to say, the mind is very influential.) There is something very valuable about visualization of the future, too. They say it is critical to brain injury recovery. The mind is very a powerful tool. This, along with the 1st time home buyer tax incentive, was the reason we bought the house in the 1st place. I have been visualizing my new house, and thus my new life, since last July. Before I was even able to eat, I would visualize me walking normally to our kitchen with a normal face and eating banana pancakes and drinking a mug of hot coffee on a Saturday morning with my family. Now, this can actually happen! Everything may not be perfect, but I guess it never is in life anyway. What a joy to be a part of something so beautiful. Even though I am the one living this, I feel just like all of you – watching and praying as this miracle slowly unfolds. I’m going to be sure to send “We’ve Moved” cards to all the therapists and all the hospitals where I have been. I’m sure they will be in shock.

More to come as we approach the move…

Thank you all for asking how to specifically pray for me.  Here is my most current list of prayer needs.  As I have shared, there are A TON of issues.  Please pray above all that I am fully restored.  As you can imagine, any ONE of these issues would be difficult to cope with.  All together, they can make you feel atrocious!

Strangely, despite all these issues, I feel very hopeful about my continued recovery.  I spoke with two medical professionals this week who are both still in shock that I recovered as much as I have.  It is implausible given my injuries.  Many thought I would never eat or walk again.  Now, I listen to nothing that anyone tells me I will never do again.  I just know I can prove them wrong!  God’s power is bigger than my problem.

My Walking:  While I can walk across a room with a quad-base cane now (with Jay close by), I still cannot walk on my own or very far at all.  Thankfully, I have not taken too many major falls, but please pray that I won’t hurt myself in relearning to walk by falling.  My balance has been brutally affected by the stroke.    (This is why I did not walk for a year and a half).  My right leg has no coordination, and my body has learned to compensate by using my ab and my glute muscles to learn to take steps.  I want so badly to walk normally again.

My Balance: That brings me to this one.  I can now stand on my own, but I cannot do much in terms of movement without holding on to something or my cane.  I cannot even carry a purse because it throws off my balance too badly.  I could not begin to even step up on a scale to weigh myself or carry my own son or I would fall.

My Hand: It has no fine motor coordination.  I cannot do much of anything with it.  I cannot even write normally.  Compared to many stroke patients who have a hand that curls up, I have a normal-looking hand and decent range of motion with it.  The trouble is, I can’t really use it for normal things you would use your hand for, like grabbing things, writing/typing, even wheeling my wheelchair.  You can imagine all the extreme difficulties associated with not being able to use one hand.  I am right handed, and I have tried to switch to using my left hand.  Unfortunately, I am incredibly ‘Right Hand Dominant’, so I am unable to switch very effectively.

My Eye Ball: My right eyeball is still severely turned in to the middle of my face.  I had a surgery to fix this in August, but it could not fully correct the problem.  My eye is not only turned in, but also facing down and torqued sideways.  I will have another surgery within the year.  I have a wonderful doctor who is committed to fixing my eye.

My Vision: Speaking of my eye, I still have severe double vision.  I have learned to concentrate on the figure that is the real image.  It is annoying more than anything.  Seeing two of everything can make you feel slightly insane!  The vision in my right eye has been greatly impaired by the stroke, so it is actually easier to see the real image from the wrong one since one is blurrier than the other.   The double vision is the main reason I cannot drive yet.   Still, I am thankful that the vision in my right eye continues to improve – it was 20/400 and now it is 20/40!

My Cornea:  When I was in ICU, I had a full-on corneal tear and they thought I could need a corneal transplant (due to my facial paralysis which impaired my eye lid and thus completely dried out my right eye).  As I have recently shared on here, I had another corneal issue, but it has healed from your prayers and the contact lens they put over it.  Because of the facial paralysis, my eye does not close all the way and so it is susceptible to many issues especially severe dryness.  Jay has been putting eye drops in my eye constantly to help keep it moist and lubricated throughout the day and night.

My Energy Level: I have always been someone who has a ton of energy.  I married someone with even more energy than me!  Now, I drink a cup of coffee mid-afternoon to make it through the day without falling asleep.  I am tired almost all the time now.  I feel agitated in the afternoons and want to nap, but I cannot.  It is a horrible feeling.

My Face:  The entire right side of my face is paralyzed.  I had an intense (13 hour) surgery to start the process of correcting the facial nerve that was cut during my brain surgery; however, we have a long road ahead of us.  It appears that the transplanted nerve that was attached to the working, left side of my face ‘took’, so I will have another surgery to connect that nerve to the right side and restore my ability to smile and move my mouth.  I may need an eye-lift, so that my eye lid will open fully.  While I have never considered myself a very vain person, it has been a huge blow to my self-esteem to have half my face be paralyzed.  Please specifically pray that some movement occurs on the right side of my face in the near future because if there is no movement, I will need a much more extensive surgery (including muscle transplantation in my face from my inner thigh).  If there is some movement, I will still need a surgery but it will be less intensive.

My Swallow: While it is functioning again and the feeding tube is out (Praise God!), there are still problems swallowing food and liquid.  There are some foods I cannot eat at all (like steak, many breads, vegetables and nuts), but there are also techniques I use to swallow all food, like washing down my foods with lots of liquid.  I still cough a lot and sometimes I feel like I am choking.  I have to be so careful when I do eat or drink, and it is no longer a carefree activity.

My Endurance: I have greatly diminished stamina now.  If I am even standing up in church, I have to sit down after several minutes from exhaustion.  I frequently have to hold on to Jay when trying to stand up and have an increased heart rate when even walking slowly on a treadmill.   It is as if all my oomph has been sucked right out of me.   I feel like I am 95 in a 27 year old’s body.

My Spirits: Surprisingly, I am strangely hopeful about my continued recovery from this beast of an injury.  Yes, there are moments of sadness, and it is dumb to pretend everything is OK.  I no more want to be Suzie Sunshine than I want to be Debbie Downer.  The truth is I’m somewhere in the middle.  I  have wonderful support, and I think that makes all the difference.

This is only the beginning of a list and there are many, many more issues.   However, please pray for these things specifically to be healed.   It may take several more years, but She-Ra will do it!  I believe this is true: what is impossible for man is possible with God!

Important Side Note: My Mom (with much encouragement from her family), has started a new blog.  Please check it out!  She is such an amazing writer.  I am so proud of my Mama!

P.S. Getting the Christmas mail from our P.O. Box was sooooo precious.  The number of Christmas Cards and gifts from strangers was so special.  Thank you so much!  I really appreciate it.

This was all on (and is still on) my Facebook profile page from before my injury. I went to Athens just 3 weeks before my injury, and decided one night I would update my Facebook profile. (My comments are in all CAPS.)

Interests:

supporting Jay through these final months – (HE NEVER TOOK THOSE LAW SCHOOL FINALS. I WAS IN ICU ON LIFE SUPPORT)

young marrieds group at church – (PROFOUND WHAT ALL THEY HAVE DONE FOR US DURING THIS TIME)

my precious discipleship group- (THEM TOO, I LOVE THESE GIRLS!)

meaningful conversation – (STILL LIKE IT)

learning to let go –(STILL TRYING… IT’S A LITTLE EASIER NOW)

reading books on how to make a baby sleep – (ANNA WAS MY BABY WHISPERER WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL – JAMES IS ON A GREAT SCHEDULE NOW!)

having Amie here and hoping Grace will come too! – (SHE CAME! WOOHOO! ALL 3 SISTAS LIVE WITHIN 20.8 MILES OF EACH OTHER)

keeping up with all the family – (NOT HARD NOW!)

anything involving good food & good company – (AFTER NOT EATING FOR ALMOST A YEAR, THIS IS STILL A HUGE INTEREST OF MINE!)

embracing motherhood and keeping MY life – (STILL TRYING)

exploring what it means to serve others completely -(STILL TRYING)

getting back to a more natural way of living -(STILL TRYING)

dark chocolate, teas & anything from Trader Joes –(AS YOU HAVE READ – STILL IN LOVE)

trying to live in a way to honor the Lord in all I do –(STILL TRYING)

embracing the “new normal” and thriving! – WOW. PROPHETIC WORDS? THIS IS THE MOST MOVING ONE TO ME. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE ‘NEW NORMAL’ WOULD SOON LOOK LIKE.)

About Me:

I live in Malibu, California – perhaps the most gorgeous place on Earth and I am obsessed with Southern California. HOWEVER, I am a southern belle to the core. (I STILL AM.)

Examples…

~~When I receive a gift or come home from a dinner party or have someone do something nice for me, I CANNOT sleep until the thank you note is written. Seriously. (NOW I CAN BARELY WRITE MY NAME)

~~Just about everyone I know in LA has asked for the Arnold recipe for my chocolate pecan pie and I try to quickly change the subject because we have to “keep that one in the family” (I’M SO HAPPY TO BE ABLE TO EAT IT AGAIN! AND A LOT OF PIE!)

~~I want everything I have (and now everything my baby has) to have my name on it. Southern women love a monogram and I now even have stickers that say “from the kitchen of Katherine Wolf” – no CA friends – that is not a joke. They are really very useful when taking new mothers a casserole! (WHEN I COLLAPSED, I WAS MAKING DINNER FOR 2 COUPLES WITH NEW BABIES AT HOME)

~~Lastly for now — in the next 3 and half weeks I am helping host 4 baby showers. It’s just what we do. (WAS ONLY ABLE TO BE A PART OF ONE OF THOSE, BOBBI’S. I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR THE REST.)

~~I had 13 wedding showers/parties before the Big Day and 4 baby showers. No, I am serious. I know – we are insane! Showers are part of what Southern Women do.(read above). (I HAVE FELT MORE LOVED, SUPPORTED, CELEBRATED IN THE LAST 21 MONTHS THAN A THOUSAND PRE-WEDDING PARTIES!)

The adage holds true for me: “You can take a girl out of dixie, but you can’t take dixie out of a girl!”

I think the combination of prayer and the contact lense worked!  The Corneal Abrasion is gone!  It could have caused some major issues, so we are so happy it’s not there anymore!

I meant to include this in the ‘random info’ from earlier, but I totally forgot. Coming to Alabama was such a blessing to me. So many people did the sweetest things for me and gave me such fabulous gifts. I felt not only loved, but treasured.

I got to speak at First Baptist Montgomery, and here is the link to it. I have never seen my Father-in-Law cry. Ever. He cried, I cried, Jay cried – I think the whole congregation cried after this. It was so moving to be there and speak after these people have been praying for me for the past (20 months to the day!!!) since my injury.

After the service, Governor Bob Riley came up to see me with tears in his eyes. He kissed me on the forehead and told me he had been thinking and praying for me since my injury. I had actually met him once before when he inducted me into ODK in College, but did not think I would ever meet him again. Well, I met him and we embraced about my ordeal. Gov. Schwarzenegger, I’m still waiting for you to check in with me!

My last post was pretty random and this one will be too. I’m a pretty discombobulated person, so it’s not surprising I have updates that are that way!

I had an eye appointment with one of my eye doctors (a corneal specialist) and I have some sad news. I have a ‘corneal abrasion’ in my right eye. They put a contact in it to protect it from more damage. Basically, since half my face is paralyzed, my right eye cannot close all the way, and as a result, the cornea gets dried out and becomes damaged. Please pray that this heals, so I will be able to see better out of that eye!

Thank you for all the cupcakes!!!! It was so sweet to have so many people drop off cupcakes or cakes while I was home. It is so sweet to write about my favorite treat on here, and then get so many of them while I was home! A special thanks to The Martenson Family for the cupcake cake (I’ve never had one of those), the Crowe Fam for the homemade treats, Lacey P for the Nancy Patterson cupcakes and the Dunn Family for the NP Cake! They were all delicious!

I don’t know if you all were able to see it, but I watched a 20/20 episode on Friday night about Katie Piper. She was burned in the face with sulfuric acid. As you can imagine, it is good perspective for me to see other young women who have gone through a hard and undesired change to their face. Here is an article about her if you would like to read it Katie was 26, too and had her incident just three weeks before mine. It is so valuable for me to see how she has responded to this.

In this New Year, I will fight harder than I have ever fought before. I ask you to pray harder than you ever prayed before (for me). I am going to post a long list of all the prayer needs I have, and there are a lot! There are many things that are deficits now that only God can heal. Please pray He will continue this very slow (but happening!!!) miracle.

(1) I call what happened to my little website the ‘NieNie Effect’. It has been insane. Check out the number of comments on katherinewolf.info from my posting, “Wearing Mascara Again” that was a few days after NieNie posted a link to me on her website. There were many many thousands of webpage viewings that day, and it was undeniably a chance for many more people to read about my story (and hopefully pray for me!). Thank you, Nienie. You are an inspiration to me, more than you will ever know! I have read your blog many times and made parallels to my own situation.

(2) On a separate note, sadly, Jay got his results from the CA BAR exam shortly before we came home for the Holidays, and he did not pass. For what it’s worth, the California version of the Bar is considered the hardest in the country. His attitude about the whole thing is so good. He will write something on here soon about his perspective on it. He told his grandfather, ‘It’s not the worst thing that’s happened to me in the last year and a half!’ I love that. As I can attest, attitude is everything. He will re-take it this summer. Despite not passing, we are so thankful that he will resume working part-time this year for “Tallen & Keshen Holdings”, the fabulous commercial real-estate development company that he worked for while in law school, before my injury. He will take on the title of ‘Director of Legal and Business Affairs’. Sounds official, huh?!

(3) I cannot tell you how excited I am to be moving into our house in a few weeks! In addition to being a one-story house (much better for me), everything I need is right nearby, so the fact I cannot drive yet is not as much of an issue. From grocery stores and entertainment, to day care, elementary school, fabulous restaurants, Starbucks, etc., they’re all only a few blocks from our front door! Also, some of our dearest friends, the Millers, and the hosts of our precious bible study/small group, live 2 blocks from us! There are two tiny little guest houses behind our house that we have rented out. The one closest to us, my parents will rent to help care for me and James, while still giving us the feeling of our own home and our own family unit. We will rent out the back unit, which will significantly reduce the mortgage on the property for us. Also, I recently came across this article and have to share it with you. One of the greatest sadnesses and ironies of the stroke was that I lost the ability to eat for almost a year. I love eating, and I consider myself a bona fide Foodie! This article calls Culver City, where we are moving, a ‘Foodie’s Haven’ – WOOHOO! I am just so thankful and still can‘t believe we get to live there. I would really like to take all the people who thought I would never be able to eat again out to dinner in CC! Haha! Thank God!

(4) Coming to the South was just amazing. Being in Athens, Atlanta, Birmingham, and Montgomery were so wonderful for me. I kinda feel like a celebrity. Almost everyday, people would stop me and ask me if I was Katherine Wolf. It was really sweet. It is so neat to feel like people still care about what has happened to me and are still praying for me after all this time. Instead of just ‘hiding out’ until my face is normal, my voice sounds better, or my walking is sturdier, I was speaking in churches and ‘out on the town’! In my pride, I don’t want to be seen or heard, however, perhaps this is when God can use me to speak into people’s lives the most. That’s a cool thought.

Thanks for your continued support and prayers!

P.S. — Virginia Leslie — As hard as my journey has been, I simply cannot imagine what you guys have been through. Being victims of armed robbery and being kicked in the head means Dennis has so many emotional wounds as well as physical deficits. I am so very sorry. I cannot fathom what you all must be living through. I will be praying for your family. It is so wonderful that I can encourage him while he is in such a difficult position. (If you have no clue what I am talking about, go to the comment by Virginia Leslie on “Wearing Mascara Again”)