(feel free to pass this on to anyone who wants/needs to hear this)
It’s astonishing to realize a year ago today my life was turned upside down. One year ago, I was a part time Model, full-time Mom residing in gorgeous Malibu, California living out all my wildest dreams. I had a precious 6 month old baby and an adoring husband in law school at Pepperdine. We were leaders in our church and soaking up all that Southern California had to offer. I was incredibly blessed in almost every way, from my abilities in public speaking to my appearance to my intelligence. I had always won everything and achieved most any dream I had put my mind to. I married my prince Charming and thought I would live happily ever after. I ‘had it all’ in a way, and in an instant, it was all gone.
Almost the worst thing imaginable happened to me. I was in perfect health. I did not even have a general doctor. I had just turned 26 yrs old, had no family history of health problems, I had had a baby naturally 6 month before, and I had no hypertension. I worked out almost every day, and had no signs that a brain injury was even a possibility. Despite all those indicators, on April 21, 2008, I collapsed as a result of a massive bleed in my brain. The bleed resulted from the rupture of an AVM in my cerebellum, as well as a number of aneurysms, which began forming a hematoma around my brainstem. The blood flowing into the small spaces surrounding my cerebellum began to literally squeeze my brain down into my spinal column. After 16 hours of microsurgery, I was left with less than half of my cerebellum and untold damage to my brain stem and most of the intracranial nerves that control my body, but I was left with my life.
I almost died a year ago today. I really almost died. I do not believe in happenstance. I believe everything happens for a reason. I do not know everything, but I know that God is real and that He saved me on April 21, 2008. I can say this to you even in the place I am in now, which is still pretty bad off. As you may know, I cannot walk at all (I now own a wheelchair), my face is paralyzed on one side, I have severe double vision, I have been pronounced deaf in one ear, I have a severely weakened and distorted voice, and I cannot take care of my baby boy. Thank God I am finally starting to eat some food again after 11 months on a feeding tube. My entire right side has been severely weakened and even as I type this, I can only use my left hand. There are many, many other issues, but I will spare you the details.
Don’t feel too sorry for me… There have been a few perks throughout this time. Since I now have a handicap decal, I never have to look for a place to park at the mall. Since my face is paralyzed on the right side, it’s like getting free Botox in half my face. From all the physical therapy, I am in the best shape of my life. I have a six pack, bulging biceps, and killer quads. Because I have been incapable of taking care of my son, I have not changed a dirty diaper in a year. Since I am now eating, but cannot walk, I have breakfast in bed every morning! Because I have been severely underweight, I have to eat Sprinkles cupcakes and Stan’s doughnuts to try to gain weight. Above all, I have stumbled upon the greatest way to lose those last few pesky pounds of baby weight!
In spite of the deficits, I acknowledge the many, many miracles that have kept me here. I had a severe brain hemorrhage, the location and size of which almost always result in death or worse. My husband unexpectedly came home for lunch right before I collapsed. He happened to be home to call an ambulance and be there for my 6th month old baby who was napping when I collapsed. I was taken to UCLA, which happens to be the third best hospital in the country. Dr. Nestor Gonzales performed my 16 hour brain surgery and he just happens to be double board certified in vascular neurosurgery and radiology. His skills were specifically useful for my situation. My husband just happened to take out a PPO Catastrophic insurance policy for us over 3 years ago.
The worst thing happened at the very best time. Jay was almost finished with law school. I wonder what would have happened if this had been his first year. He has been able to be my primary caretaker. He was even allowed to graduate law school between hospital runs. This also happened at the best time for the baby. What if he was a new born or a teenager– what would we have done then? I happened to win $50,000 on a game show (Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?). The check came in the mail after I was already in the hospital. That money enabled Jay to care for me full time. Lastly, my youngest sister just happened to graduate from high school right after this happened to me. She elected to go to college out here and my mom has been able to live here part of the time to help care for me.
I had spoken to several groups about the notion of “Identity” before this happened. Even then, I knew enough to know I needed my identity to be founded in something beyond myself. I had no idea I would have this happen a few weeks after speaking on Identity to our treasured Young Marrieds group at church. I think one reason I was so ‘into’ Identity was because God was preparing me for this season – I needed to know what my real identity was and what it was not. I had already researched and prepared all the information and spoken on “Identity”. Now, I was living it. How would I respond? I think in this life, there are no mistakes and nothing is wasted. I know God was preparing me for this. I even mentioned to friends that I felt God was preparing me for a change when James reached 6 months. In a weird way, it was as if I knew this was going to happen.
I had memorized the words to the song “You Never Let Go” because of the natural birth. (The lyrics are at the end of this Essay). I had also memorized more scripture in the last year than I ever had before. I now know that was because I would not be able to read or write, and I needed to know the truth about who I really am. I had told my girls’ discipleship group that they needed to memorize scripture in case they were put in prison, I just did not know then that that prison could be one’s own body!
My ordeal has been long and full of drama. I spent 40 days in ICU, 2 1/2 months in Acute rehab, and I am still in therapy a year later at Casa Colina in Pomona, California. I lived as an inpatient in hospitals for over 6 months before being able to come home to my husband and baby.
Today I have severe deficits and many unknowns in terms of my future. Life is not easy. BUT I am alive. God spared my life for a reason. While I cannot yet walk, passing a swallowing test was a huge boost for me. The taste of food was enough to fill my soul and make me smile. At one point, a medical professional even told Jay I would likely never swallow again. Now, I can eat some softened foods – even mac n cheese! I cannot eat most raw vegetables or breads. I cannot eat most meat either, but I am happy to be a Vegetarian if it means I can have something.
The honest truth is that I am still scared. I want to walk and have a face that looks normal and a voice that sounds normal. Above all, I want to take care of my own baby. I want so many things for my life. This is all so hard to endure. You know what, though? A month ago I wondered if I would ever eat again. I thought I might never pass a swallowing test. BUT I DID.
There have been so many blessings throughout this nightmare. Above all (tears fill my eyes as I write these words) my cognitive mind is completely intact. My memories, my personality, and my faith are all as strong as before. Having been in a neuro-rehabilitation unit for almost a year now, I have seen that this is not normally the case. I can still tell you our frequent flyer miles numbers, our credit card information, and even Jay’s grandparents address with the zip code in Florence, MS. I’m not kidding. I believe that everything that is currently a physical deficit can be healed in time through hard work, prayer, and surgery. I am expected-one day- to make a full recovery. This could have been a very different story.
I have seen the movie “Evan Almighty” many times. Jay’s 1st cousin, Johnny (an actor), plays the oldest brother in the film. In it, there is a question posed that I20find fascinating now. God (played by Morgan Freeman) says: “Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous?” I had always prayed for more patience because I am so impatient! My prayer went something like this: ‘God, give me patience and make it fast!’ When praying about having James, I prayed for Courage. I have always been impatient and wanted things done RIGHT NOW! I have always been a wimp and if you told me this was going to happen to me, I would not have believed I could have survived under these circumstances. Having this happen has meant I am learning so much about patience and courage. I have been given, as the movie says, the opportunity to be patient and courageous. It is a beautiful thing.
The truth is that God is closest to me when I am suffering. He hears every cry and cares how I am doing. I matter to him. I have not been forgotten. He will not abandon me to the grave (Psalm 16:10). He is here. Do I wish this had never have happened to me? Of course, but I know it is for a reason, one that I may never fully understand. I actually praise God for what He has done, what He is doing, and what He will continue to do.
My belief in God has been greatly strengthened because of the ways he has acted in my life during the past 12 months. I believe in Him because of the very story of my survival. But I’ve come to learn that believing in God is not fully possible without also believing God. He says that He is my hope and strength, and I believe Him. I will be well one day. I believe that with all my heart, soul, and brain…(well…what’s left of it)!
My Favorite Quotes From this time:
“Seize the day!” – On my Jcrew shirt that I have worn to therapy time and time again.
“He makes all things new”, “Nothing is wasted”, “Joy comes in the morning.” – comforting Truths we are always saying
“I’m Hangry!” – This is a combination of the words hungry and angry. It has become one of my very favorite words. Thank you to the Geckelers who shared the expression with us!
“What would you like your goal in PT to be?- My physical therapist. “I just want to walk20before my son does!” (This didn’t happen — James beat me with his walking and eating BUT I am not far behind!)
“When God closes a door, he opens a window, BUT it can be a hell in the hallway!” – My Mom, quoting Dave Stanton
“Your thighs and waist are so small. I would kill for a body like that.” – My sister, Amie “Just have an AVM …. Then you get this body!” – My response
“You Never Let Go” Lyrics by Matt Redman:
(This was the song on my IPOD when I had James, and it has become a sort-of theme song for this time)
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know you are nearAnd I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?(Chorus)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of meAnd I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
Dear Katherine,
Thank you, again, for sharing your heart. You have a beautiful mind & the way you write is amazing. I have the 29th marked on my “brain” calendar & heart & pray for God’s healing hand to be on you & all those involved. I’m, also, praying for Jay & the rest of your family members & friends. God is so good & the love he has for you is profound & gracious. Stay strong & I always look forward to reading your updates & your mom’s blog. I have been keeping informed of your AVM, since the day I read the prayer request form my niece’s church bulletin. I’m always blessed by the realness you both express & the love you both have for our Lord & Savior.
Sincerely,
Carol
AMAZING…you are amazing, your family is amazing, your friends are amazing, and our GOD is AMAZING!!! Thank you for sharing your story with all of us over the last year. Your testimony strengthens me in ways unknown. Your”identity” is secure in the Lord. My prayer is for complete restoration. God lives and loves us individually and calls us by name unto Him. Thank you for answering His call with constant faith and an abiding love for our Lord and Saviour. You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. God Bless You Katherine Arnold Wolf.
Katherine,
You are going to make a FULL recovery. Believe it.
God bless you and your precious family.
God bless you! I have followed this blog from almost the beginning and I am just amazed every time I check it. You are truly an amazing woman and God is using you in a powerful way. I can’t wait to see what God has planned for you. You are truly going to tough many, many lives with your story. What a powerful testimony! My prayers are with you.
God is amazing! What a privilege to hear His heart for us through your voice and life. LIfe is so paradoxical – what He gives us looks so scary and yet changes us so dramatically. I can’t even pretend to understand His ways, they are so High and yet beckon me to worship Him.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and willing to live your life in front of us. All of faith seems so theoretical to me at times, but seeing your life brings faith in God alive and believable to me.
I pray for you daily, and your witness to the world. Your family (extended and immediate) are amazing, and a “light on a hilltop” in this dark city. Thank you for being willing to be displayed for His glory…
A sister in Christ,
Kim
Katherine,
How glorious that you stand on the other side of the disaster that threatened your life! You keep climibing and clawing your way out of this valley. One year is a huge milestone! I remember my own. You’re amazing and your life is amazing. Believe that.
God bless. Continue observing the struggle and growing with God.
Praying for your voice, your sight, your walking and your hearing.
So much love to you. It’s hard to be away!
Hugs from Dublin…
Hi Kat…………why do you want to make me cry? In reading your blog, I disagree with you so much! You have come so far, I remember the day you got to TLC @CC. I know you are beautiful, and smart and the best mother there is on this side of Heaven. I have shared meals with you and Jay and James, my little buddy, who loves french fries. As a step dad to you and Jay, you both are my joy!
Your pop in law loves you more than you can imagine! As do so many others, like A1 and Becky and Susanne and Char. They want to help you in the bathroom. You saw how Char threw all of her books on the mat, to take you last week. You are so precious and the most inspiring patient to ever come through CC. I hope that you and Jay and little “Jimmy” ( I know you hate that) will be friends for life.
Love to y’all………..John the sinner
Thank you for sharing this. I am lifting you up with prayers from miles away. Blessings to you and your sweet family!
What a beautiful wonderful child of God you are….You will never know what an answer to prayer this essay has been…….To God be the glory….great things He has done!
I continue to pray for you and your family……..and know He will answer all of the cries for help…..because of your shout of praise to Him today!
Amen!
Katherine, You are an inspiration and a true gift from God. I know He is with you and your family and is making sure that you make it to that full recovery! I love reading your posts and seeing how optimistic you are. You are beautiful through and through. God bless!
Hi Katherine. Your story is very helpful. I have a special needs child who cannot tell me how he feels having to deal with his disabilities. He has a feeding tube too and I am realy want to know what it feels like to have it changed. He hates it and we have to distract him, but he cannot answer complex questions so I have no idea how it feels. Maybe you could tell me? It helps to read how you feel … physicaly… when you deal with your disabilities. As far as my son’s emotions, well, that is anyone’s guess. All we know is that he is delayed so he doesn’t process language and feelings like other kids his age. I just wanted to let you know that you can be a help to us moms of special needs children since many of us cannot communicate with our children. God bless you!
Hi Katherine!
Thank you for writing continuously and sharing your thoughts with us. I check in every week to see how things are going. Just thought it was amazing–no coincidence at all–that you mentioned the song, “you never let go”…because they played that song during worship this week at church and every time they play that particular song, I think of you and say a prayer for you. It reminds me of you, not just because of the words, but because I can picture you singing it with your eyes closed, standing in the pew in front of me, facing the altar, up on the balcony where YM sits in the sanctuary. It’s always a joy to watch others praise God with a pure heart.
God bless you today, my friend! I’m thankful you are alive.
Katherine,
Your faith and courage are an inspiration to me! I think and pray for you and your family often. You are amazing and I have no doubt that you will continue to be testimony of God’s greatness. He really doesn’t care about statistics, does He? Continue the fight, girl. I am cheering for you!
Katherine,
Over the course of your incredible year’s journey, you have been blessed with the awareness that you have the most devoted husband and family this side of Heaven … a priceless treasure.
You remain always in my prayers.
WOW! I linked to your story by someone sharing the link in my cousin’s CB Guestbook (Lauren Rushen). I am from Decatur, AL and now live in Raleigh, MS . . not far from Florence, MS (about 60 mi east of Jackson).
I, along with others, continue to tell Lauren’s Mom, Donna, that she needs to write a devotional because it is always such a blessing to read how the Lord is working in their lives . . learning to deal with the trauma resulting in the stroke Lauren had 9/08. It is nothing less than a miracle by God that Lauren is doing as well as she is . . was NOT suppose to walk, etc . . well, guess what. God is still in the business of answering prayer. Maybe that’s what this will turn into for you.
I have had lots of physical issues over the last 10 years(which are very minor compared to you and Lauren), but feel I am a “better” person after it. Of course, my “story” wouldn’t even get in the miscellaneous section if you or Lauren/Donna wrote a book, but I’m still thankful for what I feel God did and showed me during those several years of being “down” off and on so much of the time.
The journey of life is basic. There’s no losing or failing . . just different roads to travel, various avenues to explore and different exits to take. And above all, different alligators to beat into the ground.
May God continue in His healing process and whatever He has planned for you and your family. I have several CB sites that I keep up with and will have to follow your progress updates. I’m ALWAYS ready for an inspiration and blessing!
In His love, Joyce Poole
Katherine,
One year. Wow. What a milestone. Continuing to pray for your complete physical restoration. And your voice…your voice is STILL speaking to people- probably now more so than ever. Just look at how many people you have reached through this blog, your Caringbridge site, and Facebook! Although your vocal cords may be weak, your message is loud and clear! Sending you nothing but love on this bittersweet day…
-Erika
Katherine,
You’ve been in our prayers since you lived in GPRC. Your testimony is powerful. Thank you for your vulnerability, courage and faith being lived out.
May God continue to bless, sustain and stregthen you,
Stacy
dear katherine,
i share your heart ache march 2008 i had surgery to remove a massive avm i was left with complete left side paralysis..i couldnt even hold my head up…. in the begining i wondered what i had done to derserve this….i was only 27 years old but now i realise God gives this journey to those he believes are strong enough to get through…i have learnt to walk again and now a year later i have began to get movement back in my fingers….i still have a long way to go but i too believe God is there eveystep of the way …..keep believing you will make a full recovery. you are in my prayers love and best wishes Aliciaxxxx
This is my anniversary too. One year ago today I was introduced to you -via the internet – by a family member on a barrel racing web site asking for prayers. As I have posted once previously – I had just lost my own sister to a brain anuersym. For one full year I have followed you, Jay, James and your families ups and downs. It never ceases to amaze me how, coming to this sight and reading your families posts and now yours, can up lift me on any given day. With each post my faith is renewed in our wonderful God.
I will continue to keep you and your familly in my prayers. I am so thankful that you are now eating. As a food nut myself, I could only imagine how difficult not eating was and I prayed especially hard for your swallowing. Now I will be praying especially hard for your speach because I so look forward to the day I can actually listen to your testiomony.
Thank you Katherine, your life is a true inspiration. May God continue to bless you, Jay, James and your entire family.
Katherine,
I have been reading your story and your mom’s blog since the beginning. I have never met you, but I knew Sarah Wolf in high school. I have never commented here before, but I just want you to know what a strong impact your words have had on my spiritual walk with the Lord. Your message challenges me to seek God more closely and know Him more intimately. I don’t need to “wait” until my life slows down or I have more time to study the Word, I need to do it NOW and DAILY. You are a role model for me, and I praise God for the works He has done in your life that were and are revealed to me. Thank you for telling your story, and know that I pray for you daily. I truly believe you will have a full physical!!! Keep up the AMAZING work of therapy, and I’m cheering you on!
Love,
Sarah in Birmingham
This was so powerful! Thank you so much for sharing. You have made such great progress – all miracles! Praise the Lord for all he is doing in you and what you are able to teach us! And, thank you for your sense of humor. All The laughter balances out the tears.
Christa
Portland, OR
WOW! Just found your story when I was examining Romans online – I’m not sure I could retrace my steps to explain how I got here, but your story has inspired me! You have experienced one of the most difficult trials anyone could and still can see the positive side of this situation! I’m so glad to have found this site with the update of your current condition! Thank you for sharing with us from your heart. It is evident that the beauty and joy you showed on the exterior prior to this happening to you are truly present on the interior as well! God is using you to bless many. I pray the Lord will continue to restore your strength and abilities and will continue to give many the encouragement that they need through you.
I’ve never met you and I just stumbled upon this from a friend who sent it to me. You’ll never know what reading this right now has done for me. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish for you a full and fast recovery. I will always carry this story with me. You are truly an inspiration.
Hi sweet sister,
I was just telling a friend your story this morning. I said I would wish your last year on no one, but the one person I know that would be strong enough to pull through it would be you. You are an inspiration to so many.
I will pray and meditate all for your voice, beautiful face and full recovery.
I watched an amazing movie last night on YouTube called Ayurveda: The Art of Being. I think you will appriciate it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZU4UGIs8FA&feature=related
Dear Katherine! Am also California born (LA), grew up Point Loma, Sunset Cliffs, San Diego…a born-again Presbyterian (PCA) church-planter, pastor, teacher, Navy and Marine Chaplain WW11 and Korea…and have never read a more wonderful, thrilling, encouraging letter! Thank you! Will pass it on to my four children, plus many grand and great-grands…a bunch!! God’s blessings, and continued healing! Bill Leonard, Colorado Springs, Colorado
I really enjoy reading your entries. I just found out that someone else I know will be going to Casa Colina! In November of 2008, our outside labor attorney, Marco Ferreira, was in a motorcycle accident and has been recovering from severe brain (and other) injuries ever since. His wife Wendy is great and since they have no children, she’s been able to focus solely on Marco’s care. I don’t know how big Casa Colina is, but if you run into them, please be sure to say hello!
See you two soon.
Love,
Alli
Katherine,
Know that you & your story are touching hearts & being used for God’s glory. Thank you for sharing your journey, please continue to share all that you learn from God through this devastating process. God-speed to a full recovery!
Katherine,
I read your story through Tim Simmon’s facebook. I used to babysit Tim, Johnny, and Benji when they were younger. I just wanted to tell you that you are such an amazing person and you have uplifted me today. Next Sunday, I graduate from nursing school so I have some knowledge of what you have been through but I can’t even begin to imagine actually going through it. Your testimony has reminded me that God will always take care of His children no matter what the circumstances look like. Thank you for sharing your story. He definately has a purpose for your life!
Dear Katherine,
What a Friend we have in Jesus! It is a great blessing to hear how our Lord has touched your life and given you the peace that He promises to all of His children.
A friend shared your story with me and it lifts my heart to hear your continued Love and Devotion for our Lord and Savior, Jesus.
May your healing continue as the Lord directs.
Teresa Rains
Millbrook, Alabama
Dear Katherine,
I found your story through a friend on Facebook. This is my first time to comment. I want you to know that your story has touched me profoundly. I too almost died, but did not. The difference is that I was not a Christian before and He drew me to Himself a year after my near death experience. (I almost overdosed on insulin while 8 months pregnant with my little girl.) I can relate to your statement about suffering. I truly feel the closest to the Lord in some of the darkest moments….but the joy and LIFE I feel in Christ is almost unexplainable;)
You are such an encouragement to my soul. Your story/God’s story is touching lives. He is changing lives through you. Thank you for being so real and sharing your longings and your humor along with the disappointments. I will continue to lift you up to the Lord!
In Christ Alone,
Allison McLendon
Columbia, SC originally from Decatur, Alabama:) Oh and my husband’s aunt and uncle live in Athens, Ga;)
Hi Katherine (and family),
I have been following your story for quite a while, and although I don’t know you, I feel a connection to you and your family…I grew up in Montgomery (actually got married at First Baptist, but not by Pastor Wolf) and I lived and worked in Athens for a couple of years until just recently. I am amazed with each update how you have handled your situation with so much grace. Thank you for sharing your life and your heart, and please know that there are many out there praying, even those you don’t know!
Lauren
Praying in Jacksonville, Florida
You are amazing. We are still praying you through this, Katherine. God’s plan for your life is MIGHTY AND WONDERFUL and He will not forsake you. Stay strong and continue to fight the good fight – you are a shining example of a true woman of faith.
All my love, Katie
You’re faith, strength, and heart are so so inspiring! Thank you for sharing it with everyone! Praying for you and you’re family!
God Bless,
Marcy
Dear Katherine….my husband and I are best friends with Gayla and Cliff Henderson. That, of course, has us in close relationship with JT and Syd Taylor too! What a journey you have been on. I am so thrilled to read your writings, listen to your “voice” and hear the joy that you share, the perseverance in your tone and the hope! Thank you so much for sharing when I know that it is not easy. You are giving a bright glimpse in to the life that you live with your dear family and your Lord. I’ll be praying for your recovery, the restoration of your facial expressions AND your VOICE~~!!! Blessings to you. Linda L.
Praise the Lord Jesus and His handiwork. I thank God that your heart is so blessed and you can express yourself with cuch love, candor and eloquence.
I think you are a Holy inspiration and I will pray for you and your family.
You are just incredible. You have made Lemonade out of some tough lemons. Keep it up! I cannot wait for your ‘2 Year Later’ Essay!!!
I am inspired and in awe. God bless you and God bless your family.