(Sorry this got so long, I guess I had a lot to get off my chest)
My ordeal is sad. There are really hard moments. Hard and depressing and heartbreaking and just rough. Really rough. I could tell you story after story that would make you cry. It’s been sad. You can imagine.
Relearning to walk has been one of those things. I have taken serious falls while under the care of many of the people that love me most in the world. One fall landed me in the Emergency Room at 3am. I was fine, but I hit my head and we don’t take chances after the AVM. Moving is sad, too. I am naturally a ‘helper’. I would love to pack boxes, help paint, or carry loads. My Mom and Dad and Jay have worked so hard. I can do almost nothing but watch. Really sad.
July 13th of this past year (I don’t know why I remember that date) was a sad day. It was a rare moment where James was taking a nap in his crib and I was resting in our bed (next door to his nursery) after a long day of therapy. The doors were open between the rooms. Natalie and Jay were at the front of our house, but within ear’s reach if I needed anything. James woke up from his nap and said ‘Mama’ totally clearly and for the very 1st time. He wanted his Mama to get him out of his crib, but his Mama can’t walk. Sad. I fought back sobs and said as chipper as I could sound, “James, Mama can’t come get you right now. Mama loves you so much though.” I dissolved into sobs. How could this have happened? What kind of mother can’t get her baby out of bed? I contemplated purposefully falling to the ground (Jay would have freaked out) and crawling into his room. Even then though, I still could not have gotten him out of the crib. Luckily, Jay walked back shortly after that and got James out. Ugh – it was so terrible and I will remember it until the day I die.
We shot the following video at Pomona 1st Baptist last summer and it was shown at 1st Baptist Montgomery a while back. I did not post it on here because it was just too painful for me. Too sad. Subtitles? Do I really look that way? Ugh. My face, my voice- everything is just so sad. I guess in my pride, I don’t want people to know what bad shape I’m in. Well, time to get over that! This is the reality. This is my reality. Here’s the video:
I really try to be brave and not cry at the drop of a hat. Last Friday, I was invited to a playdate. Because I cannot drive, Jay had to drive us there. He had to meet with some painters at the house at the same time, so I was over an hour late to the playdate. I choked up on the ride over that we were so late, we couldn’t drive ourselves, that my life was so different now and that we were putting such a burden on Jay. Sad.
Surprisingly, I have not cried a lot throughout this entire thing. I guess it’s the whole ‘when the going gets tough, the tough get going’ thing. I am naturally a very emotional, sensitive person and I cry easily. I think I feel life very deeply and so I naturally respond with tears (Jay assures me this is not the only way to emote. Men don’t normally bust into a sob at every turn).
Strangely, I do not cry very much these days at all. A few weeks ago at Small Group, however, I lost it bad. We were going around sharing prayer requests and I started sobbing. I told them to pray for me because I feel like my life is on hold, in slow-motion. Yes, I was alive and had recovered quite a bit, but I am still pretty bad off. Similar to my frozen face, my life feels frozen, too. Even though I’m OK, I still cannot function on my own. James may have to go to daycare (which I have no problem with if the mother works, but I’m not working). I can’t balance, walk, read, write, eat, live normally, I cried.
Here is what my friend Lauren emailed out about the prayer request that Jay and I shared, “Continued prayers for Katherine’s healing. Still severely impaired. Prayer for complete healing. Most annoying thing right now is that right hand won’t work well. Specific prayers for the hand. To have that working again would be so nice. Learning a lot about control right now (and the lack of it). Prayer for all the upcoming surgeries. Waiting for the completion of the miracle.
Upcoming move into the Culver City house. A little overwhelming.
Emotional scars still remain. Jay feels like the fact that they’ve been in the public eye has probably been a good thing — to realize that people are watching them. But of course there is pain and stress and tension, and it wears on their relationship. Prayers for their marriage. Prayers also for all the balls they have in the air and how they’ll all land — job, finances, health, relationships, etc.” Yes, there is still much prayer needed.
I cope with the sadness the only way I know how. I pray and ask others to pray. I simply don’t know anything else to do. Don’t think I’m some super-spiritual person or have incredible, super-human faith. I’m just in a really bad situation and need HOPE. Lots of Hope. I am ‘Keeping the Faith’. I heard recently that FAITH is an acronym for, Forsaking All I Trust Him. And I do. I trust Him. I don’t understand all this. I don’t pretend to, but I trust that there is a reason – that there are many reasons– for this season of my life. I don’t know much, but I know He is good even when things are bad. And somehow, that’s enough.
Wow. Sobbing. You are an amazing communicator. The video is just incredible. I am blown away.
HOPE is more than just a word-
it’s a state of being.
It’s a firm belief that
even if yo udon’t know how,
even if you don’t know when,
God will come through
and better days are ahead.
Life sends rain….
Hope dances in the puddles
until the sun comes out again.
Many prayers, much love and hugs and HOPE for you!
You are so strong. Tough and strong. Never forget how far you have come from and how much further you are going to come. We keep praying and wait for that day!
atherine, your ability to witness to all of us who follow your faith journey is certainly not on hold. It is moving faster than we can take it in! Just think: you were put in a terrible place and, from that place, the Lord has given you grand work to do for thousands of people that you might never have touched–to inspire us and reassure us and teach us how to grow in faith and in his love. And you are doing it with and through his grace and love. Thanks be to God for all that you do and may God continue to heal you physically as you lead us spiritually.-Jim
Sweet Katherine,
You don’t know me at all – just a fellow southerner/alabama girl who has followed your story and prayed for you since your AVM rupture. I just want to tell you I am praying for the HOPE you have to remain. I love that regardless of how you look or sound your heart has not changed one bit. That is so encouraging to me. You are more beautiful than many girls will ever dream to be…even with your paralysis. You are BEAUTIFUL and I’m talking about physically. I mean, you are beautiful spiritually too but you are so pretty, Katherine. Gorgeous. I hear your pain as a mother. I am a mother to a 2 year old and I hear you – will we even understand this side of Heaven why this happened? I do not know. But I know that I know that God answers our prayers and I pray for you, for sweet baby James and for Jay. I pray for your life as a family to be rich and filled with great memories at your new house. I will continue to pray for all of your specific requests. Hang on to that hope!! Love in Christ, Elizabeth
Dear Jay and Katherine,
I read your writings every time you post something. I have read it today. My heart is heavy with your sadness and I am praying earnestly for both of you. I can only imagine the stress of what you are going through. I am like you – a doer – not a sitter – not a spectator – and it’s hard to not be able to do. Please know that you are both in the thoughts and prayers of so many. I pray for your continued strength, courage, the sustaining power of God in your lives. I don’t know how you do it, but at the same time, I do know how you do it. I am sorry. I know you get tired. I am crying for you today. And in case you can’t tell, I can enjoy a pity-party with the best of them. My philosophy is to just wallow in it for a while – I think God understands. Then lift up my head and go on until I invite myself to my next one. I just try not to let myself get too many invitations in a row or all I will want to do is party!! So, hang on. My prayers are with you both.
Marsha Linam
West Monroe, LA
Dear Katherine and Jay,
Thank you for sharing this articulate video and description of what you are daily (hourly) experiencing. I am humbled by your faithfulness, amazed at God’s power, and thankful for your example of clinging on to Him. I pray for you daily, for your functional movement and ability to care for your home and family. I pray for your hope, your healing, and most of all your perseverance.
Love,
Kim
You beautiful, beautiful, beautiful girl. You have no idea how inspiring you are. I pray that you continue to heal. You have come so far, and this is just the beginning.
You are beautiful. Powerful example and living testimony of God’s goodness. You are changing lives!!
That was a beutiful video. We are constantly praying for you Katherine and Jay and James. We are so inspired by your strength and testimony. You guys are awesome! Miss you all!!
Katherine,
Thank you so much for your posts! They remind me to appreciate the little things I have been blessed with, and inspire me to never stop working toward perfecting the areas in my life that are slacking. I pray for your (and Jay’s) continued strength. Good luck with the move!
First off, you are a great writer, and always add a little humor, which I love! Secondly, I wanted you to know I have been keeping up with your story since I found your website this past year, even read all the post from before I found it. You (and Jay and James) are absolutely amazing, and I pray daily that you will be completely healed. Don’t ever think you aren’t gorgeous! You looked great in that video and the one from when you spoke at Jay’s church. Also, I didn’t need those subtitles. You enunciated more clearly than many people who can speak “normally.”
Again, thank you for your constant reminders of what a gift life and every of aspect of it is! As always, you will continue to be in my prayers
Oh my goodness! Thanks so much for sharing!!!!!! I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn’t. You are so eloquent, and you speak the truth. Your perspective is invaluable. you know. I love your one-handed quotes – I do that too! I’m glad to know there is someone else out there who does it to. Thanks again for sharing. I know it must have been hard. You are so brave though, and I continue to lift you up. More miracles are around the corner!!!! Hope you can get to Trader Joe’s this week/end! I love theor fresh-cur pineapple spears. (you live close, right?)
Katherine-
I’m not usually a crier but this, sister, did me in. I can’t even imagine what the act of surrendering to Him has been like for you. I think about it often…surrender. The most difficult thing in my opinion and really against our human nature…but the joy that comes in it’s place has shocked me and rocked my world.
This is what 2009 was about for me, learning to surrender and getting joy in it’s place. And also I realized (just a taste of what He’s offering, I’m sure) what a love story this truly is b/w man and God. I’ve heard about Him being in love with us, like IN LOVE, but I just never saw it all that way. Yes, He loved me no doubt, but to visualize us dancing together was weird. I always see myself prostrate before Him, not sitting in His lap like a child or Him holding my face, smiling. But the ultimate act of trust came this summer when they were testing my then two year old for cancer. One night I saw Him before me, holding His arms open, asking me to give her to Him. First of all, He doesn’t have to ask, we all know that, but He was very tender as He asked me to trust my baby with Him…who’s really HIS baby, of course. That moment with Him was not bliss nor peaceful. That was the hardest night of my life, but I surrendered her to Him…I think wholly, but I don’t know. The most I could at the time. And do you know what He did??? He HEALED HER!!! She made the drs and nurses look silly. It wasn’t an instant miracle, it’s been over some time, but it all started that night. She’s better than she has ever been in her short 3 years. That’s when our relationship went to a new level of intimacy…once I surrendered. Again, I find it so odd that surrender is just not in our human nature…watch someone in the dying process…the body doesn’t surrender easily, we’re made to FIGHT right? Look at you!!… yet it’s what He asks of His creation. It’s the ultimate act of trust to do just that, I think, to lay down your arms, your rights, your coping mechanisms, all the things that have at times kept you alive you think…surrender your usual means of survival and then just JUMP and trust He’s there and is who He says He is. It’s just so weird to me since He put that fight in us, but surrender is where the freedom is, where the JOY is, where I discovered an intimacy with Him I’ve never imagined having with the Creator of everything.
I look forward to hearing more about this story of love and surrender…and thank you so much for letting us watch this “Father/daughter dance” unfold. Some have never seen God’s love displayed like this. It’s life-changing. May God continue to breathe LIFE into you and Jay.
**sorry! I posted before I re-read…to clarify, my daughter’s labs showed several immune diseases but negative for cancers! The specialists said it would take years to outgrow this, if ever. God loves me. A lot.
katherine,
i think of you often, and pray for you often, and you are always close to my heart. i don’t know what else to say, but I just wanted to let you know that if i saw you I would give you the biggest hug. hang in there. (((hugs)))
-erika
p.s. if you need ANY help at all with your move to culver city, please let me know. i know you probably have a gazillion people willing to help out, but a few extra hands never hurt. my husband (evan) and i can be there during the week, during the weekend…whenever. lauren has my phone # and you have my email- so just give me a shout out.
(((hugs)))
You wrote ‘you try to be brave’ – you TRY to be brave? Oh my goodness, you ARE so brave. You can cry as much as you need to Katherine, because in no way does that mean you’re not brave. You are an inspiration.
Katherine, you are simply amazing! You give us all the strength to go on each day! You are in my prayers every night…..God will continue to heal you!!!!!
Big Hugs!!
I think you and your family are amazing! I pray for you all each day! God is using you in a remarkable way in the midst of all that you are going through. Thank you for sharing with us. Nothing is impossible with God!
Katherine you don’t have to cry!! All of us who have never even met you find ourselves crying for you!! God has choosen such an amazing woman to be a witness to us all. May HE continue to give you and Jay the strength and the wisdom to face this challenge. Let the rest of us never forget how blessed we are!!
Katherine – The video didn’t show up in google reader and I almost didn’t click out to watch it. But for some reason, I did. And I was so blessed. While I don’t assume to understand your pain and hurt, what you said about people not feeling free or satisfied or beautiful or understood is so true. For so many people. The only way we feel any of that is through God’s grace, the same way you do.
I am continuing to pray for the completion of God’s miracle in your life and in others.
Wow. That video has me sobbing. That is the most incredible video I’ve ever seen. Your comments are so TRUE. I will intensify my prayers for you.
Oh Katherine…my heart aches for you. I know your situation is off the charts difficult and I wish I had answers to all of the ‘why’s’ of your situation. However, like you, I pray and I hope. I love you my sweet friend.
Lamentations 3:19-24 MSG
I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all – oh, how well I remember – the feeling of hitting bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God’s loyal love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left.
The computer screen is covered with tears. Tell Jay this man is crying.
Katherine, we don’t know eachother personally. I can’t begin to imagine what you have gone through, but I do know one thing: You are a child of God and he loves you. He is always there for you, and I know that you already know that. Your post made my heart ache for you. Through reading it though, it made me realize how much I have tried to rely on myself instead of the Lord over the past several years of my life trying to raise my daughter by myself. I haven’t asked for His help. Thank you for sharing your faith, your hope, and your amazing spirit with us! HUGS from Idaho!
(((((big hugs)))))
Bless you Katherine. Bless you for your transparency and allowing us to walk beside you on the journey. I have been following your blog ever since it was on the prayer email at our church near Chicago. When my father almost died last year it was your blog that I went to for comfort, for scripture, for a form of empathy.
Peace, healing and endurance to you.
Barbara
I have read your blog from time to time and try to keep up with all the changes in your life. I am from Montgomery and have been supporting you from a far. But this entry really spoke to me. I am in awe at how strong you are and even though I have not endured the amount of pain you have, I too, have been stuck and feel like my life is in slow motion.
My husband and I have been trying to conceive a child for over 5 years now. I have had 4 losses but the worst part is not having control. I feel the same as you, I know all of this is for a reason and I am actually thankful, but for how much longer will I wait. I recently watched a DVD bible study by Priscilla Shirer on being in the wilderness. Wow, she made me realize that I am in the wilderness. It was like a light bulb went off. Everyone will be in the wilderness at some point in their lives and I am currently in it. I am sure you feel the same. The bible study might be from the book, Discerning the voice of God. I just watched one DVD so I am not sure which book it is from.
I have no idea if this helps but please know you are not the only one out there. Everyone endures their wilderness differently. Yours happens to be a little tougher. I have to say, you have come a long way. And I will not be surprised if you write a book about this and share with many more women out there. You have reached so many people, its absolutely amazing. Keep the faith, not that have any doubt you wont.
We have our sad moments and then God takes them away.
Good luck, I can’t wait to read more on your progress.
Oh my, I have read this particular posting over and over and watched the video over and over and sobbed over and over and prayed so desperately for your healing. We have never met but I have been following your journey from day-one and check your blog dailey for new postings. You have so richly blessed my life and taught me what true courage is and how to have an intimate relationship with our Lord. I can honestly say I have never met anyone so beautiful and honest. Katherine when you speak in the video, what I see is God using you as His messenger and I see His beauty shining through you, pure and perfect!
Katherine,
Yes…that was a truly beautiful video. Thank you for sharing. We met several times…once at a “Young Marrieds” dinner and once at a woman’s retreat with Bel Air. Your words glided out with ease both at that time and now. Sincerity rings loudly. I cannot get enough of your amazing…yes amazing voice. I remember at the woman’s retreat you stood up in front of all the women of Bel Air and recited, line by line, a passage from the bible. I thought “My God…this woman is the real deal!” I think of you often…completely out of the blue I’ll think to myself “Oh! I have to check in on Katherine!”…We might not be best friends but I do like to think that we are close sisters. I pray to our father and keep you in my prayers. My beautiful sister…carry on! You ARE one in a Million.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Your story is so beautiful. What a gift to the world. I followed early on…prayed for you when you were in the ICU. Honestly, I cannot even remember who I received the link from initially. Just came by to check on you today and was so blessed by this video.
You are being used by God in a mighty way. THANK YOU for remaining faithful even when it is hard!!
You are an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing this. I just said a prayer for you – that God would give you COMPLETE healing and absolute hope in HIM.
Katherine,
What a powerful insight from your video. We have this life that God has given us and we’re never satisfied. We (or at least I) daily tell God that what he has given us just isn’t good enough. That He isn’t enough for us. Oh how I want freedom from that, how I want to rest in a place where I can be content with what the Lord has given me this day. I pray that God will continue to work in your life, to restore your movement and heal your body. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for ministering to me. Blessings and healing to you.
Katherine,
Thank you for not letting satan get an ounce of joy out of your hard moments. Thank you for turning your sobs into willingness to be honest and struggle with the season you have been walking through. Your story is beautiful and the Lord is in it so clearly. Thank you for sharing!
Lauren