Today my mom wrote on her blog about beauty in our culture. I wrote the following in the Fall of 2008, at potentially the low point of my ordeal. I had not posted this on here for many reasons, but I am today. I feel such a strange sense of ‘the Rubber Met the Road’. Do I really believe that I am beautiful in the only eyes that matter?
We Are All Beautiful
I do not feel very pretty these days. The doctors had to shave off almost half my hair during surgery. I have an eye that is turned in towards the middle and is bright red, a nose that is always bleeding, and lips that are always cracked. I have a large scar from the trache tube that was in my throat, and, and worst of all, half of my face is completely immobile. Even when smiling, the right side of my face stays frozen in place. Because putting on makeup is a fine motor skill, I cannot do that (especially around my bad eye), so I wear no eyeliner, eyeshadow or even mascara! Can you imagine life without mascara?
Jay assures me that I am beautiful, but honestly, I feel like I look terrible. I was always that annoying girl who looked pretty good without trying (much). I never wore braces or glasses, rarely shaved (I have really light hair), and I only washed my face when I remembered and was not too tired. That all changed on April 21st. Now, everything involving ’primping’ takes a really long time, and I feel more discouraged by my appearance every passing day.
I will never forget the first time I remember seeing myself in a mirror. I had a hard time believing that it was me in the reflection! Since my right side has been numb, I had no way of feeling how bad I really looked. Plus, the dramatic weight loss only made me look more bizarre. I knew my eye was messed up (I continue to have severe double vision), but I did not know it looked so scary to everyone else. I think it was so hard for me to accept this new-looking Katherine when nothing had changed on the inside. I knew that the outward differences would affect how people treated me. There is really no way to hide an eye that turns in to the middle!
I was getting a pedicure recently and the pedicurist asked if I was ‘born this way’. I did not even understand what she meant. My friend finally responded that, no, I had had a severe stroke. I did not even know how to respond to that. How did she know? I guess it was obvious because of my appearance. I am still in shock even now.
We have lived in Los Angeles for over 3 years, and I have built a nice little career for myself. I mainly did print modeling, some commercial work, and on two occasions, I had almost booked the lead role on two television shows. I know my appearance had dramatically helped my career, and I have been disturbed by all the differences. Who wouldn’t? While this could all change, I still feel panicked when friends or modeling agents hardly recognize me.
So here’s the truth and the comfort, no matter how I feel:
Song of Soloman 4:1a and 7: How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! … All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.
Romans 10:15: And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”
Revelation 19:7: Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready.
The truth is that we are all beautiful in God’s eyes. No matter what you look like (or what you think you look like), you are beautiful to the One who made you. Even now as I am, I know I am beautiful.
Just as that Revelation verse says, we are all a bride in His eyes. He is the lamb and we are the bride on our wedding day. I have many memories of my wedding. I worked so hard –as every bride does – to get ready for that day. I had gotten a spray tan, my hair and makeup were done just so, and I looked great in my designer gown. In the pictures you can tell, I looked the best I’ve ever looked. I know many brides feel that way. Have you ever gotten a Christmas Card from a wedding and wondered who the bride was? Many times, the bride looks so good, you do not even recognize her. I think that is why that verse in Revelation is so powerful to me. If you know our Father, the work is already done. You have already ‘made yourself ready’ just by believing in Him. You are gorgeous!